out of the mouths...

I love the kids I live with more than I think I can convey.

God has granted this only child such amazing nieces and nephew.
He has provided me with such love through them.

So here's the latest... (for you, Melissa Helme, so your heart can smile...)



Tonight outside after supper, enjoying the remaining sunshine for the day, Jane (almost 4) and I play together...

Jane: Kaleen, I'm pretending I'm asking you what you want to eat, okay?

Me: Ok, go ahead Jane.

Jane: So, what would you like to eat?

Me: Um, can I please have a grilled cheese sandwich?

Jane: Yes you can.

(She scurries away and returns soon after)...

Jane: Um, so you can have peanut butter. And...a scratchy bun. It's all we have. We don't even have chicken and fries.

Me: You don't? You only have peanut butter and a scratchy bun?

Jane: Yup. There were all these kids and they ate all the chicken and fries. So you can have peanut butter. And a scratchy bun. It's all we have.

Me: Wow. This is quite the restaurant.

Last night at dinner, Bodhi (5 1/2) started the conversation with this one...

Bodhi: If you do not have a brain, please raise your hand!

Carleigh: Are you thinking someone here might not have a brain?

Bodhi: (with tears in his eyes)... Well, I'm just kinda worried one of us might be a robot....

And Charlee (almost 7) and I had this conversation a little while ago...

Charlee: Kathleen. When are you not going to have to go to work? Like, when can you just stay home and never go to work?

Me: Oh, well, Char, I go to work to make money so that I can afford to live with you and to eat food and to drive my car. If I didn't go to work, I wouldn't have money, and I wouldn't have a place to live, or food to eat.

Charlee: Oh Kathleen. We would always take care of you.

Long overdue...and yet not.

It was the beginning of December.

My heart was pretty heavy with grief, sad for my little family. 

Truly, I was just trying to make it to Christmas break. 

And then the packages started. 

Each wrapped in brown paper and string, with the printed words attached. 

I came to my office that first day, and found this one in a grocery bag, hanging off the door handle to my office:

It was cute.

It was thoughtful. 

It made me totally curious.

And it continued.

For 12 days...

Day two was equally clever...

Day three was timely (I think I was sick...)

Day four I was in disbelief that this was really happening...

Day five I found this in my purse after a Christmas party with our student leaders. 

I still don't know how they managed to slip by me like that.

Day six (which came after a weekend, and therefore was joined with day seven's package) proved a happy day for Charlee, Bodhi and Jane!

 Day seven, my curiosity was killing me.

My eyes were definitely open, trying to catch these clever gifters.

By day eight, I was in total amazement of whomever this was. 

They were dedicated. And I was eating a lot of chocolate by this point.

Day nine was rather ironic.

I had given this CD to MCC the week before. 

I was just purging, and slightly hesitated to donate Christmas music right before Christmas, but remember, my heart was heavy with how short life is and what really matters...so I was purging my material goods.

And then day nine came, and I got the same CD back.

I was curious if it might actually be the very same CD...

Day ten was a flashback. 

When was the last time I had ever eaten Cracker Jacks? 

Day eleven. I was dying of curiosity...

...while I enjoyed a hot cocoa.

And tried to spy out any suspicious behaviour in my students.

I was looking for clues.

And then day 12 came.

And I didn't get to find out who it was.

Marlene (the Student Development Associate) hinted that she knew.

And then swore she wouldn't tell me...

I believe her exact words were,

"if you ask me in February, I'll tell you in March".

And so it's April. And I still don't know who blessed me in this way, but every time I think of it, I get a little teary. Steve (my coworker) keeps bugging me to ask Marlene, because he's just as curious. 

I know it's kind of anticlimactic, all this build up without the revelation of "whodunnit". And yet, while I'm so curious...I'm also hesitant to ask Marlene and find out who it was. 

You know why?

I can think of many different students that may have blessed me in this way.

And I love that.

I don't have an automatic "oh, it's definitely this person"...which for me, speaks to the character and the love my students (plural) demonstrate. 

It was the end of the semester. A time of final projects, and of exams, and of sheer tiredness. And yet these students were so committed to blessing me that they made sure, every day, there was a package waiting for me. 

Exactly when I needed it the most. 

It's April.

In 4 days, my students will be done. 

Many will graduate on Saturday, some will move on to other education or the work force, and others will simply leave for the summer to work and rest and get ready for next year. 

And while I think we're all ready for a break from each other (cue roommate conflict), these brown paper packages wrapped in string remind me of the favourite thing about my job (even in the midst of discipline and drama)...and this is it:

I get to work with some pretty awesome people who love Jesus, 

who try to follow Him, 

and who are learning to rely on His grace when we fail; 

and we're all in it together.

"What do you do, anyways?"

Why is it that in exhaustion, I cannot sleep? And thus I blog.

March madness is upon me. The student development kind...not the basketball kind. It is in this time that our team at the college puts in extra hours. We interview students interested in leadership positions next year and we spend a good amount of time rushing to fulfill our regular jobs...all while we pray for much wisdom. Grace. Caffeine. Sleep.

It is in these weeks that I also feel like a horrible housemate. I publicly apologize here to Carleigh and Gary. They show me so much grace.

Sometimes people ask me, "what do you do at work?"

I don't always know how to answer that because I spend a lot of time with people. I hear what's going on in their lives. I challenge. I encourage. I pray. I'm not always great at it. But I keep trying because I believe I'm supposed to and I genuinely love these students.

This means a lot of coffee dates. A lot of texting. And a lot of prayer. Sometimes, to be honest, it includes an anxious heart. (Part of why it's 12:52 am and I am blogging). My job is actually, truly, meant to be a place where I build relationships and share the hard stuff in people's lives. We come up with accountability plans and resources for that hard stuff. I've grown to see the possibilities that come through conflict management.

Then there's the task stuff. Writing policy. Reading about the latest "higher ed" trends and what it means to work with the next generation (cause I'm now old enough that I'm not part of it...). Ensuring that my student leaders have what they need to do their jobs. Keeping the commuter lounge stacked with bags of coffee (according to them, this is probably the most important thing I do).

March madness looks a little bit crazier.

Today.
10 meetings.
5 cups of coffee. (My usual day has 1 1/2).
13 hours from start to finish.
2 heart breaking moments.
1 heart lifting moment.
$15 spent in the cafeteria.
15 minutes checking and responding to email. (At 9pm).
1 half eaten muffin. (Breakfast did not fully happen today).
7 student stories.

Tomorrow will look similar, although I get to come home earlier. That being said, I also know this about my job: you never know what will happen in student development. With this job, unless you're getting on a plane, you are "available".

After telling you all that, as much as I generally love my role, I want to clarify that I'm not what you'd call a "career woman". A lot of people think I am because I'm 31 and single and have a career. Somehow I got pegged. I love my students (most of the time), but I don't do this because I desire to "climb the ladder". (If you're married and have single friends like me, please don't assume they're career women. Some women appreciate the title. Others don't.)

Truthfully, I struggle with envy toward my friends who are moms. I know that they have a hard job; my envy is based on my own passion and desire, not on the misbelief that being a mom is somehow easier (where did that lie start anyways?). I hope you know that if you're a mom, I have great respect for you. I know you don't get breaks and there are constant demands. I know there's also amazing moments where you feel completely blessed. I pray I might get to experience it for myself. I also know I might not get to.

This is where God has me in this season.

This is where He wants to use me right now.

So, tomorrow, I will pull myself out of bed. I will drink more than 1 1/2 cups of coffee. I will hear stories, experience heart breaks and heart lifts. I will come up with accountability plans. I will interview students who want to be leaders and figure out who makes the cut. I will pray.

I will also seek to wrestle with my own heart. The envy that I struggle with. The insecurity I feel about my ability to do this job. I will need to look for truth and acknowledge the untruths. I will accept my daily bread and try not to look too far beyond.

*deep breath*

Thanks for listening.

The ugly UNtruth.

Tonight I write with a face full of the ugly tears.

It is rather ironic when I realize my last two entries were so positive...that now I write almost with the opposite experience. But I think it shows the balance. And the truth about the untruth that I sometimes believe.

Today's untruth I believe:

I am unloved. And I am unlovable.

I feel alone. And whether or not that is true, it is what I feel.

I think everyone else is privileged and favoured to have a 'someone' who loves them. And whether or not that is true, it is what I feel.

I want to know that I will have a story in which I will find a love, have babies, and raise a family who loves God and loves one another; I believe I'm running out of time. And whether or not that is true, it is what I feel.

I think there must be something wrong with me that is keeping me single. And whether or not that is true, it is what I feel.

I know part of my angst, part of my willingness to believe this untruth is tiredness from working 12 days straight. I know part of this is lack of time with friends who speak truth to me. But I also know there is an enemy who is seeking to destroy me. He knows exactly where to target me.

I share all of this not to seek your pity or your guilt.

I ask that if you read this, you today encourage someone you love, maybe someone you haven't seen in a while. Speak truth into that person's life. Remind them that untruth is a lie.

Because I know I'm not the only one who has a target on her.

on repeat.

This week's "on repeat".

Between that singleness article and this song, I have been incredibly blessed with truth.