backwards reversed.

Sad days come when I get trapped in the lie that life should give me something...rather than that I should give it my all.

I get blue.
I wish for what I have not.
I realize how selfish I can be and that I have rights to...nothing.
I deserve nothing, and that's the flat-out-honest-mind-blowing truth.
It makes someone else's sacrifice for you that much more real and gut-wrenching.

Often I wonder about how my worries, my own mini temper tantrums, actually reflect my view of God.
I forget I am here to serve Him...not for Him to serve me.
If that were true, He would not be God.

Everything I have is a gift from Him.

Honestly.

Every. Little. Thing.

With that in mind...

In approximately 41 days I will be unemployed....
Mid-May to Mid-August.
That's a long time.
It's a necessary time.

It's simply the way my contract works...and I will be in school all of July...and let's be honest, I need some down time in order to be properly functioning in society. It will benefit us all, really. Especially my poor housemates (I used to be the girl that didn't cry that much. I don't know if I can say that anymore...and maybe that's okay).

Someone asked me how I was feeling about lacking a paycheck for three months.

I looked deep down inside and responded:
When I remember who God is, I have peace about it.
When I forget who He is, I start to panic.
So, I just need to remember who He is.

Here's to remembering who God is.
And remembering who I am.
And to remembering how the relationship we have doesn't require me to panic, or try to manipulate life into working for me, or always think about the next thing.

What it does ask me is this..
How do I live justly, love mercy and walk humbly...with Him? That's my measuring stick.
Because really, everything else is temporary.

answer: they're amazing.

Picture it:

Meet Lana.
She is my friend.

Welcome to the house she is house sitting right now. Walk through the massive front entry, glide past the baby grand piano in the pristine living room, and check out the big screen tv, before you duck downstairs to play ping pong. Oh, and if the weather's nice...you can go play in the pool, soak in the hot tub, and perhaps even jump on the trampoline outside.

Meet Sam.
Sam is Lana's fiance.
Note that this means absolutely nothing to a 4 year old.

Meet Charlee.
She is a 4 year old.
She knows nothing about what a fiance is.
At least I don't think she does.
I may be wrong.

Picture all of us.
Watching hockey on a big screen tv.
Lana. Sam. Gary. Carleigh. Charlee. Bodhi. Jane.
And me.

See Charlee sitting on her mom's lap.
Quiet.
See her brain working.
Working very hard.

Hear Charlee ask:

"Sam and Lana. How did you guys build this place, anyways?"

I'm pretty sure she figured it's brand new.
And they built it.
By hand.
And they live there.

Because...

in the mind of a four year old, everything is still magical.

Today, I need some of that magic.

deep breaths.

I start my next course tomorrow.

Am I ready? Well...no. But this is one of those moments for deep breaths.
Take what you get and run with it. Right?

That's the thing about having a goal.
There are moments you want to pull out...
AKA: Back out, call it quits, doubt your original vision, ask if you heard God right.

God knows me well. When I get to that place, He sends me reminders...sometimes in song, or written word, but most often in the form of people, which I love, because He knows I'm relational. I might miss the reminder if it were written on the side of a bus...but I will likely catch it if someone shares their story with me. All the little pieces fall into place at that point.

...I'm still working on that really eloquent blog post. In my head it's really lovely, but I'm struggling with the translation to written word. Here's to posting it before I forget to breathe again (stay tuned).

In the meantime...enjoy my new musical crush...may he become yours as well.

words i use.

In an effort to encourage myself to get crackin' on my final paper for my current course (which is due at 6am tomorrow morning), I thought it would be the perfect time to blog. Right?

Somehow my best work comes when the deadline is looming.
...and my clean laundry gets folded and put away, the toilet gets cleaned, my taxes get done, and I buy new shoes. Two pairs.

Let's be honest...I should be getting my MA in Procrastination. Really.

Anyways, I have tons of thoughts pooling in my mind these days.
Anticipate a very well-thought out blog post "coming soon".

In the meantime, Carleigh suggested I simply blog "phrases that actually came out of my mouth today". 

Living with a young family has been my saving grace in so many ways over the past 4 years. Carleigh and Gary keep me grounded. The kids remind me that there is so much more going on in life than my little schedule. And...they remind me life doesn't have to be so complicated at the same time.

So today, when they came home from church, Bodhi (age 3) invited me to come and eat scones with them. In the following hour these are the phrases that actually came out of my mouth:

"Bodhi, are you wiping your nose in my hair?"

"Oh Jane-z, are you a kitty cat? Ok! Kitty cat Jane, can you please stop licking my leg?"

"Charlee...can you please not pick my nose? Thank you."

And that, folks, is pure gold.

What is weirder? That as a single 29 year old this is my common language, and I don't even notice it until Carleigh points it out... Or that I still haven't checked my hair to see if Bo really did wipe his nose in it...!?!

absence makes the heart...

For those of you who actually check my blog, you know I've been absent.
I do apologize.

I know what it's like to anticipate new material...and find nothing.
And partially, I've simply felt like I haven't had much to say here for the last couple of weeks...because my head has been buried in about 2 feet of sand. Or so it feels.

That to say: I have 2 weeks left in my current masters course.

hallelujah.

And...I am about to go into Vancouver with my students for the last time this school year.

hallelujah x 2.

In the meantime, I created a whole other blog this last week as a project for my current course on "Empowering Leadership". This project was to take "Ignatius of Loyola's Spiritual Exercises" and creatively apply them to your context today. It is an opportunity for those who confess to follow Jesus to grow in their faith. If this applies to you, I encourage you to check it out, and let me know what you think.

I'm partially very pleased with it
...and partially very nervous about unveiling it for others to see.

So, with butterflies in my stomach, I present:

An Intentional Month: A Starting Point