A few tears on the page.

...in an attempt to be honest with myself and others, these are the tears on my page today. 
I know you have your own, too, so I hope by sharing this, you'll simply know you're not alone. You're not the only one who thinks these things. You're not the only one with your struggles. But I also know it sure feels like it some days...

Some days I feel like I'm a hot mess.

Today could be classified as one of those days.

Oddly enough, it was a good day: I had some encouraging talks about life and faith with a couple of my student leaders; I got to share about Costa Rica with a group of students who are about to go serve there; and I had a visit with a good friend who dropped by that warmed my soul. I also realized that in one week, I myself will be in Costa Rica, visiting my friends, eating rice and beans to my heart's content.

But even with all that good, the day also included a few tears in the kitchen.

Because while life is beautiful, I am so very, very human.

I struggle with any of the following at any given hour, and this list is not exhaustive. It's simply what I can acknowledge right now.

The tears come when I struggle with:

• bringing my focus to the present
• having the "answers" 
• being single
• realizing I'm 30, yet still have moments where I wonder, "where do I fit? Where do I belong?"
• procrastinating on important tasks
• coveting others' blessings, others' stories, others' abilities...
• desiring affirmation and recognition
• finishing well

There you have it.
The ugly honest truth.
The stuff that rises to the surface, even when it's been a "good day".

I could blog pages and pages about each bullet point.
There's a lot of selfishness deep down in my heart.
There's a lot of lies trying to convince me I've been passed over, forgotten, unappreciated....

And the hardest realization of all?

I haven't let it go.

Because sometimes it feels cathartic to shed some tears for your own woeful self and believe you are the only person in the world who feels this way.

Because sometimes it foolishly feels like it's the one thing I can control.

And...as I have said before...it is easier to go there, to let myself believe the negative thoughts, than to do the hard work of choosing joy. Not happiness...but joy.

Joy involves believing with a tenacious confidence that God is in control of life, though the immediate evidence might suggest otherwise. (Tim Hansel)

A joyful heart is one in which something new is always being born, even when sadness and death are all around. (Henri Nouwen)

So may this post serve as my most recent reminder...

The hard work is worth it.
I am not alone.
And sometimes...I just need to eat some protein and go to bed.