two-toned blue.

This was my first car:

Ok...granted, this is a 84 Plymouth Horizon, and my first car was a 81 Dodge Omni (basically the exact same car). It was two tone blue (dark on the bottom, light on top), and was the exact same age as me (a fact I was proud of). And it wasn't really mine...it was technically my dad's.

But...it was the first car that I drove by myself.

This week, this topic has come up three times with three different people asking: "Do you remember the first time you drove your car by yourself?"

I do. Like it was yesterday. In actuality, it was 12 years ago (I think to this week, even). I remember my mom and I coming home from my drivers' test (in her 1992 Ford Escort, which was the "good car" by comparison to the Omni). I remember her handing me the keys to the Omni, and me, driving to Comox to go see Vanessa...alone, no parent gripping the door handle and stomping the imaginary brake on the floor.

I remember glancing at the passenger seat, as I was driving, thinking, "am I really allowed to do this on my own now?"...and then....the overwhelming sense of:

YES!

and...

I'M DOING IT!

The funny thing is, it almost killed me to get the stupid license in the first place. Not because I couldn't, or wasn't a good driver, or didn't have the time...

...but because I was scared.

My mom talked me into writing my learner's test. We sat in the car for what felt like 20 minutes, as I looked over the exam booklet, telling her, "I don't think I'm ready, I don't think I know it all yet!" She was doing the mom thing, where she knew I just needed to get in there and do it, but I hadn't clued in yet. And so, gently, she urged me to get out of the car and just write the thing. And sure enough...I passed.

Then there was the road test. I re-booked it once, after being convinced that "I wasn't ready". And then, the morning of the exam, I actually thought about re-booking it again. But it was too late. And sure enough...I passed.

So here I am, 12 years later, and the driving thing is behind me. But what is before me?

Grad school.

I start July 5th. It took me 8 months and 5 professors saying "when are you going to grad school?" to get me to sign up for the dang thing. And it wasn't because I'm not capable, or because I don't have the means, or because I don't have the time...in fact, this IS the perfect time in my life to do it...

...but I'm facing that fear again.

I think God gave me the image of that June afternoon, in my Dodge Omni, window open, music blaring, glancing at the passenger seat, as a reminder. A reminder that I can do it.

I just have to get my butt in that door.